by Robert Pennington & Stephen Haslam
click here to download Word version
Every one experiences
emotions at work. We get
frustrated with bosses giving more work when they don't understand how much
work we already have. We get upset
with co-workers who don't do their jobs, so we can't do ours. We get angry with irate customers who
don't realize we are only trying to help.
We worry about an uncertain future.
But with all these emotions,
most people don't think they have anything to do with how they are
feeling. They believe their
emotions are a result of an external cause, i.e., the circumstances or
situations of their lives or the behavior of others. It looks that way because that's how you have been taught to
think about emotions. It just
isn't true.
The goal is not to never have any negative emotions
though. That's not possible. The goal is to recognize them faster
and move through them quicker. That is realistic, but how?
First, recognize
you've got something to do with it. Consider EMOTION as Energy in MOTION. That's what if feels like doesn't it,
an energy moving through your body? The root word is "emote", which implies the
direction the energy is moving - out.
Emotions are an attempt to express outwardly, to express what we
believe.
If your belief is
unconscious then you act on automatic pilot. If conscious, then you have some choice. In either case, how you feel is a
reflection of how you think. Your
negative thoughts produce negative emotions. Your positive thoughts produce positive emotions.
So, emotion is not
something that happens to you.
Emotion is actually something you are doing. If you experience an emotion then you've got something to do
with it. Be curious about thoughts
that precede emotion.
Second, understand
laws exist about emotions just like there are laws about physics. As mysterious as it seems, every
emotion you have is a result of some thought that preceded your emotion. The only exception to this rule is if
you have some chemical or neurological damage that throws everything out of
whack. But if you have a healthy
body then how you think causes how you feel. How you feel affects how you behave. And, how you behave produces
results. It's just a law.
Third, accept that
any choice to change how you feel will always come after the fact. That's because you can't control your
initial reaction to anything! Your
habits are too powerful. But you
can control your second thought and in that is your saving grace.
For more information or to schedule Robert Pennington or
Stephen Haslam
for a presentation for your organization please call
713-305-5117.
Definitions
of Emotions
Anger Loss
of control over others and attempt to regain it. Corollaries of anger = frustration, irritation, annoyance,
aggravation, indignation, impatience.
Boredom Not
taking responsibility for your own happiness or for your own entertainment. Not
doing what you want to do or doing what you don't want to do.
Confusion Laziness
of mind to keep from taking action or making a decision because of fear about
the consequences.
Embarrassment Feeling
that another will think something about me that I would not want them to
think. Feeling that what I am is
defined by what others think of me.
Fear Entertaining
a fantasy of a danger that is not happening at the moment of the fear.
Grief Loss
of opportunity to interact with a source of attention or love, often fear over
an undelivered communication.
Guilt Indulging
in a concern over a past situation in order to avoid taking action now.
Fantasized repetition of the action which continues the harm of the fact that
you did something you believe is not in your best interests.
Hate Misplace
expression of importance, protecting myself because of how a person may have
influence over me or those for whom I care, when I don't feel safe or when I
feel hurt by another.
Hurt Punishing
yourself when someone is not doing what you want him or her to do.
Jealousy Feeling
inadequate to a known or unknown competitor. Believing in your own inferiority and fearing that someone
else will agree with you by comparing you to another.
Loneliness Placing
responsibility for your happiness on another person.
Regret Feeling
inferior because you believe you have performed poorly.
I. Awareness
of Doing an Emotion
Whether happy or unhappy we are
taught that the events of our lives cause how we feel. Our culture teaches us that emotions
happen to us. The truth is that
emotions are not something that happens to you. Emotions are something that you are doing. There is a moment when you decide that
a particular emotional response is the action to take in a given
situation. Becoming aware of the
onset of an emotion in the present leads to an ability to choose a better more
productive emotional response in the future. It requires a lot of practice.
II. Honest
Description of an Emotion's Purpose
An honest description of all
emotions as actions you are choosing to take is necessary for overcoming the
misperception of yourself as a victim.
You have been taught to use your emotion in an attempt to change or
influence your surroundings. An
honest and accurate description of your emotional/action will aid in your
ability to be responsible for how you feel and to be more successful in how you
affect your surroundings.
III. Acceptance
of Response/Ability for Your Emotions
You feel what you choose to feel --
unless you have some chemical or neurological damage. You can assume total responsibility for what you feel and
what you express. What 'they' did
may be very wrong, but that does not obligate you to feel a particular way in
response. You cannot control your
initial reaction to anything - don't even try. You can learn to accept responsibility though thus giving
yourself the ability to respond in new and more caring ways, for yourself and
others. You can always clean things up.
IV.
Identification of Facts
Vs. Beliefs
Our cognitive perceptions about what
is true in our lives cause our emotional responses. Perceptions are comprised of attitudes, prejudices,
judgments, and beliefs that we think are true. Ascertain the exact facts about the incidents in your life,
separate from your beliefs about these facts is the beginning of freedom.
V.
Identification of
Beliefs about Your ÒSelfÓ
A primary influence on your
abilities to deal successfully with life's challenges is your own beliefs about
you! By identifying the
distinction between the facts and your beliefs about the facts, you will
uncover irrational and unproductive beliefs about yourself. When your self-defeating beliefs are
examined with a loving and understanding eye, they may very well change.
VI. Acceptance
of Responsibility for Your Thoughts
Having discovered negative
self-beliefs, you may ask yourself whether it feels good to hold such beliefs.
Your answer will always be 'No'.
That should tell you something.
Recognize that, for whatever reason, you have chosen to accept an
irrational self-defeating belief in the past. You can choose to believe something more positive in the
future. Your thoughts are not
determined by others or by what happens around you. Your thoughts result from
your own choice. Change and growth
occur by taking responsibility for what you are choosing to create within
yourself. Choose to continually be
making better choices.
VII.
Identification of Your
Desired Behavioral Goals
Behavior is motivated by conscious
and unconscious desires. Becoming conscious of your goals as implied in your
behavior leads to more responsible and successful attainment of your desired
outcomes.
VIII.
Relationship between Your Present
Behavior and Your Desired Goals
The way you behave when you are
upset is often counterproductive to your goals. Identifying the relationship
between your present course of action and your goals will increase the
possibility of choosing the most appropriate behaviors for attaining greater
personal and professional success.
IX.
Acceptance of
Responsibility for Behavior
Creative behavior results from acceptance of responsibility
for emotions, thoughts and behavior.
Effective self-management results from an ability to chose more
appropriate behavior in response to conflict situations and to put your choices
into action - every day!